I'll Be Unemployed Next Year
18 comments
TL:DR version: My contract will end this December and there are no plans for renewing it. Not that I'm even motivated to bother even when asked. It's close to a mutual decision with management since I'm in limbo about quitting versus just letting them decide about not letting me move forward to the next level. Now the below paragraphs are just snippets of thoughts I compiled while drafting this blog.
Notes: I'm shitposting personal stuff without the motivation to entertain. I go back to my old posts after a few months, reflect what's up with life and figure out where I'm going with it. Facebook blocked my access to some files/notes in the past and my hard drive could get corrupted/lost. There are moments when I cringe about what I previously wrote but that's my source of entertainment and this post adds to the list. Hopefully I'll see this again after 10 years and have the same impact as facebook giving me random memory throwbacks I wish never happened.
It's not a secret I have a love and hate relationship with my job. On one hand, it pays the bills but it drains the soul out of my creativity. It narrows down my options on what I can do because I'm sticking with one task. As a form of revenge, I spent the spare time learning other interests as revenge to cope with the gnawing what ifs. This includes day trading, doing art, and learning skill sets that don't make me have to rely on just being a physician. But you can't have it all, so one has to suffer in trying to find a work balance.
I reflect on the situation and came to the conclusion that there's really a lack of people that can relate to where I'm at even amongst my circle of friends. How could I win and still feel like I lost at life kind of feeling. It's a stupid decision to give up a well paying job for uncertainty and I know there are a lot that would envy what I had. I get this part but it's not like I'm living their perspective. But I'm dragging my feet to work daily when I can just do the shit I like and still be financially well off, not rich but not struggling. I'd get silent nods but never encouragement about making the decision.
Regardless of whatever reasons I have, the outcome is in the eyes of colleagues that view the situation, I ended up being a weak shit for not passing the program and this failure will mark me on my career. You can think of the statement as an over exaggeration or what it really is, it really depends on who you're talking to because it's a small world and even smaller in the medical community social circles. But I couldn't care about it, I just wanted to be happy and maybe not working at a hospital would probably do.
I know I'll disappoint some folks banking on my future or lose friends because I don't fit into their socioeconomic status (they probably weren't my friends from the start). I'm now a nobody and surprisingly it's not that harming to my own point of view.
The recent notice about Binance getting blocked from the Philippines was something that screwed my plans for next year. Not bragging but I think I'll be contented with trading my needs on crypto on bullish or bear markets. I'll find a part-time job or something while figuring out what I want to do in the future. As for funds, I got some reserves ready and live a frugal lifestyle (dressing up uncool and repel dates).
I'm just going to be spending the next year exploring what I want to do to move forward. I may just sign up again for another residency training or be content as a general practitioner on some far flung areas in the community, who knows?
So the last case I had a patient sent me a message asking if they were already stage III on their cancer and I simply said that's what our findings indicate and nothing more. It's not really in our specific field to explain everything, prognosis, treatment and going forward because that's going to be their main doctor's task. But people aren't dumb, they can google what the report terms mean and draw on conclusions for themselves.
I know the receiving end of that message is someone who's already upset because their optimistic tone went 360 right after. There's nothing I could do and have fully removed it from my mind to bother further. I've seen this happen and lost count. I can empathize but nothing more. I guess I should be glad I don't need to deal with this stuff anytime soon.
A few days later, they contacted me because of some paper work in order to avail discounts for some expensive tests. They knew I did them a favor and wasn't really blaming me for the inconvenience. TL:DR they underwent the bureaucracy of the health care system for hours only to get blocked to resolve the issue, it would take them a few more days to comply which was detrimental considering they need those tests ASAP for their cancer treatment. I played out these scenarios coming up with the solutions in my head only to get annoyed and just say fuck it, I'll pay for these tests so that they don't have to wait for more days.
The prognosis was already bad. That was probably the last time I'll get to meet them in person. Meh, this is my last case so maybe some poetic drama of altruism would suit the mood. They cried as I handed them the envelope processing the least expected scenario to unfold. I'm not sharing this story to flex about benevolence and shit to make me look good, on the contrary, I did a dick move after when they were about to express gratitude and cry I abruptly and sternly said, Maam please don't cry on me, just take the money and get those tests done so you don't have to wait for a few more days. The meeting ended with them at least feeling relief and me a few hundred dollars less.
I felt a kick satisfaction that it's finally done and there's nothing left to do. But this feeling was fleeting and the inner pessimistic realist side kicks in, like my old cases with morbid outcomes, I know there's no happening there. I didn't change anything and that was enough to end the dopamine kick of doing something meaningful.
I'm a window sitter. Show up to work and get paid without doing anything. Well it's not a literal doing nothing, I just find some small things to do but nobody hands out important tasks on me since there was no point considering important tasks were part of the requirements to continue and I'm just competing for those tasks. It's a surreal experience because you show up getting paid without doing anything compared to a lifestyle of three years showing up to work trying to survive everything. But this level of effort I'm doing is exactly the bare minimum government employees on key positions are doing, especially the executive jobs (my rant maybe some other time).
I have vague plans for next year seeing how preparations to leave the lifestyle aren't going as planned. I had optimism weeks back after the decision was made but the past for days gives me an idea that 2024 will be rough.
If you made it this far reading, thank you for your time.
Comments