The Let Them Theory
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Believe it or not, I actually read a book. It's not that I can't read, it's just that I find reading to be a tedious exercise. I'll be the first to admit, I am a pretty slow reader, so more often than not reading feels more like work than enjoyment. Forget checking a book out from the library, I would surely never finish it in whatever generous window they give you. Actually, the anxiety to make sure I did finish it in the loan window would likely make me read even slower.
Every now and then, I do pick up a book and somehow I manage to make it through. You might recall I actually started The Let Them Theory several months ago, but it was only recently that I finally made fought my way through it.
It's actually a pretty good book to be honest, and I am going to cover some of the bits and pieces I picked up from it in this blog post today. I'd actually heard "things" about the book before @mrsbozz decided to buy it. For a while there it was all the rage and I think it made it to the New York Times best seller list. I'm also guessing there were a fair number of book clubs that picked this one up and worked their way through it.
I know you are probably thinking... "you seem like such a well adjusted fellow @bozz, why would you need a self help book?". Let me be the first to tell you, that couldn't be further from the truth. Like most people, I am a bit of a hot mess at times. It was actually after my wife bought this book that I really started to realize it was something I should probably pick up and read.
I was browsing the Internet one day and I saw an article that said something like "the one method you need if you take things too personally". Trust me when I say, that is definitely me. Especially at work and that is probably the worst place to take things personally. Oddly enough, the whole article was dedicated to this book, since @mrsbozz had already bought it and read it, I sheepishly mentioned to her that I should probably read it myself.
The Premise
The basic idea of the book is that when people do things you don't agree with or that piss you off, you take the attitude of "Let Them". It's their life, not yours, you honestly have no control over it, but what you do have control over is how you react to it. When you read it that way, it's pretty clear this is just a bit of a new spin on the old saying life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it or however that goes.
As I was reading through the first bit of The Let Them Theory, it became pretty apparent to me that the basic premise of Let Them was a bit flawed. Thankfully, Mel Robbins (the award winning author) addresses that with a simple follow up to Let Them called "Let Me". Don't worry, it's all in the same book, this isn't one of those deals where you have to buy the sequel just for things to make sense.
As I said, it was pretty apparent to me that if you simply step back from every situation and say "Let Them", you can end up living a pretty lonely existence. Whether you feel you have the moral high ground in the situation or whatever, sitting alone up there on your high horse still leaves you alone. It can be an isolating experience if you simply adopt "Let Them" without also applying "Let Me".
I'm not going to give it all away, you will have to read the book for that, but even just understanding there are things you can't control, attitudes and opinions you can't change, and just the general idea that the world isn't fair can actually bring you a lot of peace.
Fair Warning
The last few chapters of the book are specifically about relationships like dating and stuff like that. If you are in a committed long term relationship, you might not have to read those chapters. In fact, my wife told me to skip them, but I am a bit of a completist, so I had to finish them even if they didn't really apply to me. Unless I find myself single and looking to mingle again, they just don't apply. I more skimmed through them than anything, I can see how they would be helpful if you are in that position.
Two Big Takeaways
Besides the overall concept of the book which was great, one of the biggest things I took away from it was the fact that for the most part adults have the emotional maturity of an 8 year old kid. Most of us were never taught how to cope with negative emotions like disappointment, sadness, hurt, etc. We were typically told to mask those feelings or in many cases placate those feelings versus actually confronting them. The idea is, the more you experience and acknowledge those feelings, the more you are able to minimize them or at least cope with them in the future. The author (who is a she by the way despite the first name of Mel) used the example of a kid in a store wanting a toy and being told no. I'm sure we have all walked by the toy aisle and seen that scenario play out.
Do you buy the kid the toy to shut them up? Do you tell them no, but then not allow them to work through the disappointment because you don't want to cause a scene. The problem is at that age, you aren't telling the kid their behavior is wrong, you are telling them the emotion they are feeling is wrong. Which isn't really fair, and leaves us back in the situation where most adults are 8 year old kids.
This is getting long, so let me leave you with the final thing I took away from the book via a quote
"In life, you're not playing against anyone. You're playing with them. Someone will always have better cards than yours... Other people teach you how to be a better player, and that's how you win."
Even if you can't stand them, or you resent them, or you wish you had even an ounce of their talent, you can learn something from them. Let them be great at whatever, let me learn something from that and apply it to my life.
For me, just acknowledging all the things I can't control has been game changing. I'd like to think it has helped me not to overreact or take things as personally. It's a work in progress of course, but I am getting there...
My Sports Account - @bozz.sports
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