The addiction is real

Coming off from cigarettes consumption can be a very easy thing to do. However, getting off from the addiction is an entirely different story.

For your information, I've been smoking cigarettes since very young age. When every kids in the 80s era thought they're going to be the next Guns & roses, every rocker needs to smoke like a chimney in order to at least pose as a successful band member 😂

I have never agree when others saying I'm addicted. I will often take a challenge, and not smoke for the AM or PM just to show my buddies I'm not hooked to smoke. Besides, my then girlfriend doesn't allow me to smoke, I'd usually hide my cigarettes under the car seat, splash the car perfume on my face before I reach home 😂

Yeah. Laugh all you can, what you're about to read is a truly sad story of a person that are forced to admit of his addiction. Covid sets in place, we all knows what happened in 2020. I blame it to my lack of public awareness, I've totally missed the opportunity to buy some supplies before the lockdown. By the time I realized I'm running out of cigarettes, there wasn't any to be sold at the shops anymore.

I've been rationing my cigarettes consumption from 1 pack (20 sticks) a day, down to 3 a day after meal. Frankly, even 3 stick a day didn't last, the supply chain wa totally cut off, it took me less than a week (probably 4 days) to finished the rest of my cigarettes. I was driving pointlessly within the vicinity, searching for every super market and convenient shops none of them have any. That was the time, covid brought my honest to test. I can't say I'm doing it for fun anymore. After meal, I went crazy searching for any leftover cigarettes butt, carefully light it up and smoke the final few puff, it was so awful as the old oxidized tobacco started burning, as if putting garbage into my own mouth(technically, I am).

It all lasted until a week later, there's absolutely nothing left for me to remotely able to taste the tobacco, I ran out of choice. I couldn't focus, I couldn't sleep. I need to have the feeling of blow something out of my mouth, my tongue needed that extra nicotine to make the food taste "right". Out of desperation, I locked myself sitting on my toilet bowl, I decided to roll a stick of toilet paper and give it a go 😂

Ok this time you got it right. The chemical treated/bleached toilet paper isn't really that great for making good taste. The thick cloud of smoke that smells like overnight pee that didn't flush makes me puke my brains out. Since than, everytime when I approach the convenient shops tying to buy cigarettes, that burning expired pee smoke keeps reminding me to NOT pick it up again.

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Ok. This is the different part of the story. Now you know how I got it off, but in my mind I already knew cigarettes taste good and the nicotine not only shorten my life or possibly causing cancer, it also brings me the good feeling and blocking my hormones receptor, so I don't feel tiredness and focus on my work for a longer time.

You see, this is the evil part in me. Deep down in my heart, I am consciously knowing everything about how I got off until today 5 years. I am also aware that, I am making excuse to NOT smoke. The time bomb clock never stop ticking. I can precisely describe how I remember how enjoyable smoking a cigarettes is.

Yesterday @jack.russelle wrote about an article regarding smuggle of counterfeit/illegal cigarettes, we had a small discussion at his blog. i was preparing to blog about how it was conducted in Malaysia.

I think that was the time I have "reminded" myself of the addiction, when I brought all those cigarettes thoughts in mt mind going to bed. I had a dream of me smoking a stick of kretek (Indonesian cigarettes) in an insurance certification exam, soon as the surveyor smell smoke, he came walk near me. I was desperate, put the cigarettes under the desk, and then proceed with spit a little bit of my saliva to put off the burning tip 😅 soon as the surveyor left, I pull out that stick of half done cigarettes and trying to borrow a lighter from other exam goer.

It was so weirdly vivid as if I can smell the kretek from my nose, almost can taste the sweet filter from the cigarettes, and I did spit on my palm trying to use my saliva to put off the cigarettes 🤣

Ladies and gentlemen. 5 years, I have been told once we're off from cigarettes a couple of months, shit will become normal "again". To me, after close to 30 years of smoking life, not smoking is absolutely NOT normal 😅 my "normal again" is, but a pack of cigarettes and smoke like a chimney anytime I want 😅 the addiction is real, it never got off my nerves, not even a single moment.

Every time when someone offered me a stick of cigarettes as a friendly gesture, you have no idea how much effort it took me to reject such kind hearted offer. You will not understand, when every ex-smokers tells me they cigarettes smoke as disgusting, whilst I don't really mind and still find the smell reminding my younger teen years.

Nevertheless, I am absolutely positive that, the smell of smoking toilet roll will reminds me of NOT picking up the smoking habits again, but the same time I still need to consciously remind myself to not smoke.

Source from Pixabay