A Grumpy Day Off & Good Problems to Have

Something wasn't rubbing me right when I woke up today. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like mold on the side of the window and a musky old smell somehow stinking up the corners of my heart.

I tried listening to music but nothing felt good, which is strange. Even when I feel horrible, music usually does SOMETHING. But everything felt jarring to me, and I felt myself getting annoyed at songs that even just last night moved me.

I tried to figure out what it could be....

I had some alcohol last night, which I only do about 3 or 4 times a year. It was a single shot of some very strong stuff from Jinmen Island, kind of delicious, made me wish I could drink regularly. Could that be it? Doubt it. I'm sensitive to alcohol but not THAT sensitive and physically I felt ok.

I have been prioritizing my partners projects because she had so many things lined up for this week and she also has a much more demanding work schedule than I do, so I felt like I needed to help her, but that has gotten in the way of a lot of my own creative projects.

It could be that I decided to sell more of my investments than I planned for this cycle, and so a quarter of my safety net will be cut out in a few weeks.

I think more than anything it's that results seem to come so much harder than they should, that everything that matters seems to move slower than it should while time moves faster than it should.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to see some indie folk artist who plays in a unit, by himself, in various collaborations and also organizes shows. I have been wanting to ask him if he can check out my music and put my on one of his shows in the future. Usually I don't like to go out of my way to show someone my music, but the shows he put on fit so perfectly, all of the music is just as much art as it is music, and some of it is challenging and some of it is easy, and it feels like more of a very high level "Show and Tell" than anything else. There is 0 pretention and 0 sense that anyone is prioritizing money over their art, but also a sense that they take their work seriously overall.

I think one of the reasons I feel annoyed today is that I was hoping to have had a show of my own booked before meeting him, and more chances to practice before sharing anything with him. Too much came up, tangible things that took up time and energy, problems that demanded attention, and also just moods like this, and days where I hardly had any energy to do anything.

Out of a complete lack of ideas, I just forced myself to pick up a microphone and sing some melodies and play with the sound a bit, and found myself jamming with myself for an hour. I wondered what people would think of that if I did it live....

It sounded off. Not bad, but off, but I guess that's understandable with how I'm feeling. I got a little frustrated with how the sound is harder to control than some people make it look, and it made me wonder if I'm really ready to play at this kind of event.

Part of me feels like "It's a pretty lighthearted event and not everyone there is super experienced, just do it" and another part is saying "You know you can do better, why show them this when you can show them something much better". And then the voice of regret "You waited so long, why wait any longer?"

And then I start wondering if I will even be in the headspace to approach that organizer tonight, or if I will even have a chance to, perhaps there will be too many people or he will take off early or be wasted or in a bad mood himself.

I guess it's all up to the flow of life and how it weaves itself, but I feel like the inner workings of this world have had it out for me, so that doesn't make me feel that great right now.

In the end I'll just go and see what happens. And before that I'll try to work on a song or two, because who the hell knows if I'll have a chance to this weekend....we have another flea market, I'll meet a friend for lunch, I have class in the mornings, and then there's two friends shows I'm supposed to go to.... WTF.

This past week I've been telling people "I want to move to a more boring area". This town is great but there is way too much going on, it's very hard to choose what to go to, because there is a battle between other things you know you should be doing, your tastes, your social obligations, and trying to manage expectations.

Even tonight, I'm going to this show instead of another show which I know I will enjoy. I'm choosing this show because the other band I've seen twice before. It's an old acquaintance and an amazing guitarist that I really respect, but it'll be louder and there won't be any chance to connect or catch up with him or the other people I'll know there.

I guess these are good problems to have, but I think one of the things stressing me out is that in Tokyo, especially in the art and music scene, people are so oversaturated with things to do and so it sometimes feels like they are not really there, that playing becomes a second job for them. I don't feel people when I talk to them.

I imagine New York, London, Paris and Shanghai are all a bit like this, although Tokyo has the added social awkwardness ever present. "There's a guy I know, I'll go say h.....ah, he looked at me and looked away...I'll try again later“. Later I open my mouth to say Hi to him and he seems to notice and turn around before the words leave my mouth. Does he dislike me? Probably not, that's just how people are here. There tend to stick with people who are closer to them in whatever scene they are part of.

I think one of the biggest frustration I have right now is how that kind of social awkwardness has rubbed off on me. I was ALWAYS socially awkward but it used to stem from a real lack of confidence and self doubt. Now I hardly have any of that, but the awkwardness remains because I've just had too many awkward interactions that I feel less energized to talk to people. I'm already bracing for the awkwardness before it comes and that makes me awkward.

I've got to keep my expectations for today low. No matter what happens, it'll be an eventful weekend, and from Monday I just have my regular work schedule for the next 3 weeks (there is actually a festival in the mountains that most of my friends are going to, but we've decided to skip it because we are just too exhausted. It could potentially put us further on the "outside" of our social circle, but fuck it, it's silly if that's the case).

So I guess from Monday I will make a concerted effort to focus on my own shit, and work on music whenever I don't have class.

There is a lot going on inside, but this is as far as I've dug for now. As for the more existential questions, I suppose those will reveal themselves as things quiet down.

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