The invisible line of strangers

In a client discussion today, the topic slipped into talking about relationships, although that wasn't the initial focus at all. It was actually about the client's son playing Playing games, even though he is nearing 30 years of age, which is of course common. But, his son also has a partner and children and we were then discussing what this might mean for the relationship - where is the line?

While it is healthy to have some level of "me time", there is probably some kind of non-static line of amount that will affect the relationship and is going to move depending on circumstances. For example, if you imagine a scenario of husband and wife where the husband spends a couple hours each evening with his friends, you might be thinking that his wife may not be too happy and you would likely not be surprised if she left the relationship.

It is not just about spending time together, as I think that there are different kinds of activities that are needed for a relationship. For example, a wife can go to work or spend time at the gym, which is time away from the husband, but that is also adding value to the relationship - What I wonder is, what volume of activity can there be that doesn't add value to the relationship, before the relationship suffers.

This is going to depend heavily on the people involved and their own preferences and personalities, but I will assume that in most relationships, there is some kind of dynamic at play in this regard and even if people don't think specifically about it, they feel it. How much time gaming, spent scrolling social media or reading the news can a relationship survive - or more importantly, thrive under?

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times without putting additional stress on them. As I frame it for myself, it is grow together, or grow apart - and this requires having both a self-centered focus and a focus as a common unit that works in unison, that meshes. With far more energy being put on the well-being of the individual which has led to perhaps an overemphasis on personal desire satisfaction, the common unit aspect of relationships might be suffering, where that dynamic and invisible line is not being discovered.

Personally, one of the joys of being in a relationship is being able to satisfy the needs and some of the wants of my partner, even though there is always going to be shortfall. However, that is a two way street and that means that for the relationship to work, I also have to have my needs and some of my wants satisfied too.

If we see that meeting relationship needs and wants is building relationship collateral, how much time and energy can be spent on non-value-adding activities has to be considered - thinking that some of that "me time" is actually value adding - but will suffer from the law of diminishing returns. The problem is that things like personal entertainment can feel good and be very attractive, even if partaking past that invisible line is doing more harm than good, to both the individual and the common unit relationship.

With so much attention grabbing activity that not only gives pleasure, but is also a place to avoid dealing with pressures of life, it is pretty easy to see the potential damage that could be done to a relationship, where the relationship itself breaks down due to neglect. And perhaps neglect is where it all leads when we spend too much time on ourselves, not enough time on the people we supposedly care about and the world in which we live.

We might be in a cycle of neglect where we are able to run from difficulties and do more of what might have been causing the difficulties in the first place, We have a need for social intimacy, but if we are unable or willing to give, we ourselves will also go lacking. We end up in a dysfunctional area that while it feels like we are being neglected, the cause could be our own neglect of others - so the cycle of reciprocity is a feedback loop of, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

There are many reasons that relationships don't work or fall apart, but I think that we are increasingly creating a world where we are less willing to build that relationship value and instead look to maximize ourselves. With the growing rate of divorce or perhaps more alarmingly, people not building strong relationships at all - I think that we will continue to see personal depression and social breakdown, as if we can't even be bothered to consider the needs and wants of the people we are closest to, we aren't likely to see much improvement in the wider community.

I think that the invisible line in a relationship is intertwined with the invisible line within ourselves, where what we do that benefits us, turns into something that harms us. Like a glass of wine with dinner, or two bottles sitting in the corner crying - somewhere in there, the benefits shift to detriments.

I guess that if we were truly going to maximize our lives for optimal experience, we have to be able to include the optimization of the lives of others, at least those we are closest to. This means that we would have to compromise in some areas as an individual to include the model of the relationships we hold. Perhaps the "perfect" solution is always going to be a line of best fit and that line is continually going to move with the conditions. If we aren't paying attention, that line can travel so far that the bonds that tie us loosen to the point that the people we care about the most, become strangers.

While this might not matter to many people and they might not think nor care about it in the slightest - I do believe that the relationships we have deserve consideration and if we did give them a little more thought, we would likely also put in a little more effort. All it might be is an act that reminds another person that I am thinking of them, that they matter to me and as such, I am willing to do a little less of what I want so I have the space to do something they want and perhaps find that line where we both get more of what we want together.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]