Her Excellency, Aunty wa Harrier... For a Day

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wamiru47.46last month5 min read

Woi! If wishes were horses, I swear I'd mount on the presidential one. I'd be their Aunty wa Harrier (The Harrier/Rich Aunty). And I'm pretty sure my fellow Kenyans would be very pleased at least for a day. Now! Now! Let's get started with this party, shall we?...

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I know that y'all are waiting for the big national sherehe (national party) but before we get there, allow me to make some announcement.

Let it be written in the Constitution, in legible handwriting (not that hen-scratch nonsense), that I hereby declare the following rules effective immediately:

New Payment Order;

Let's all get serious, shall we? Ministers, governors, senators, members of parliament, cabinet secretaries, yes, you big big persons in the government, eehe, you guys were given managerial position, but instead of allocating funds as required, you decided to fill your pockets & stomachs. Kumekucha sasa (It's a new dawn)! Your new pay is the entry level manager salary, Ksh. 50,000/=. You're still in entry level. AND NO! YOU CAN'T RESIGN!!!

Wazazii (Parents), our earthly gods,.. and no, not you deadbeat moms and dads. Your work is often overlooked. They say parenting is just a duty... well, with me in power, it’s a paid job, top tier. You're all eligible to monthly stipends. Deadbeats, since you couldn't stay and raise your kids, I authorise you to pay the government, on a monthly basis, every penny the responsible parent uses on the child(ren)! Yeap! No more jumping pregnancies and children like high jumps or is it long jumps?!

Walimu (Teachers); Raise your hands! Makofi kwao (Clap for them)! 👏 These guys are gods next to parents. Every one is learned because of you sweet people. Y'all be paid like the CEOs you are. Because, how do you expect to become an engineer if you failed CRE?

Madaktari (Doctors); Our lives depend on yous, you get the bag. No more strikes. No more “daktari amekasirika (the doctor is angry).” I don't want to hear that a patient died because you striked..Are we tungezaa?

AskarPolis (Pooorriissmen?!)😐... You’ve triggered enough PTSD. You’re being reassigned to Traffic Karaoke to shout directions: “Stop! Drop! Reverse! Now go-go-go-go!” Also, no dush guns for you. Not even toy ones. You've misused enough bullets on innocent wananchi. Go and heal.

New Time O'Clock..

WaAfrica (People of Africa), where are you rushing to at 4AM, eh? No one’s chasing you. Even your dreams are still asleep. This is Africa nah! And we all know; There's no hurry in Africa!

New wake-up time is: 7:00 AM.

First national activity: Guided meditation, the 4:20 friendly persons, you got the floor at this time to puff puff pass. Let me not catch you puffing any other time..

Before you ask, nimewasort sekta ya food (I've sorted you on the food sector). All food manufacturing companies, here is my order: I authorise you to pack one bale of maize flour, one bale of wheat flour, Elianto (cooking oil) 5litres, rice 10kg. Every family should receive a package of that order. Hatuwezi kaa njaa nikiwa (we can't go hungry on my watch)..

The Avocado Mandate: What is food without avocado??

Let it be known across this glorious republic: No meal shall be declared complete without a generous serving of avocado. From githeri to pilau, matoke to ugali; avocado must be present and accounted for.

🥑 National Avocado Day: Every Friday. Live performances and free samples from Murang’a, Kisii, and Meru.

Foremen! A word please...

You’ve shown men dust out here, they can't even fend for their girlfriends. Mmmh, you've constantly tormented them with: “Kesho ndo tunaanza…(we'll be starting tomorrow)” “Unashindwa aje kubeba mfuko mmoja wa simiti? Hukukula? (What do you mean you can't carry a bag of cement? You haven't eaten?)”

Effective immediately: You will now be the actual fundis. Taste the dust. Carry your own simiti (cement).

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Sherehe(party) Allowance Act, 2025:

The long awaited part! Working is from Tuesday to Thursday 2PM. Then we get started on uninterrupted weekend. Every adult citizen will reciece ksh. 5,000/= for nyam chom(grilled meat) and sherehe purposes. Do not misuse that money to pay debts! That's your personal problem.

Now, kila mtu apewe mbili mbili, wale wa Gilbeys, wale wa fanta, watoto longlife kubwa kubwa, tukisonga (every one to be given two drinks of their choice, the Gilbeys batch, the Fanta batch, and children will get the big longlife milk packet, as we go) courtesy of Kenya breweries, Coca cola and Kcc! Your president gatch you!

Final Soft Reminder:

If Man U loses... the nation shuts down for 48 hours. Anyone laughing at us will be detained until they support a struggling club too.