Mono no aware (物の哀れ)

A few years ago, more precisely in 2005... (It's been 20 years... My God!), I was on a retreat in the south of France when something very remarkable happened in my life.

At the time, I was only 26 years old, and I thought I already had some certainties in life. Among those certainties, one of them was that the person I was committed to was for life.

I can tell you that we didn't have big arguments, but to be honest, we didn't spend much time together for that to happen.

One of the differences we had, apart from ideological and political differences. I've always been more of a centrist, center-right, although I've shifted in recent times. Previously, I was more center-left. But perhaps that has to do with development and maturing. She was clearly left-wing. And of the more traditional political left. Despite this political divergence, in terms of beliefs, I have always been a believer in God.

Sometimes more than others, like I think everyone does, but I have always believed in God. In something superior, which is not visible to the eye. She, on the contrary, despite being very affectionate and tender, does not believe in anything divine, let alone God. She wasn't an atheist either, perhaps more of an agnostic. It was another point of difference. But we had these differences that I think may even have played a role. But maybe they didn't...

I was saying that during that summer, more specifically in August 2005, during the retreat, I met a foreign girl. I didn't approach her. She approached me at the end of one of the daily prayers. In that case, it was at the end of the evening prayer. It was a real summer night.

To give you some context, there was no television in that place, and cell phones were only used (at that time) to call home and give news. I have always been someone who can easily disconnect from these ties. It costs me nothing to disconnect from what is not important and connect with people.

The girl had a very captivating smile. A penetrating gaze. Her light blue eyes contrasted with the color of her hair... Dark brown. She just asked me if we could talk. I agreed, of course.

Just a quick aside for you guys—it wasn't unusual for me to accept the invitation to talk, because in that place it's perfectly normal for people to be very open with each other.

We went for a short walk and sat down on some benches relatively close to the church. The sound of crickets could be heard clearly. It was a very pleasant evening.

The girl, in a very confident manner, extended her hand to me and introduced herself. I, a little nervous but calm (because it's not very normal to be approached by pretty girls), ended up responding. I confess that the touch of her skin was very pleasant.

The conversation flowed naturally, and we began to talk about what had brought us there. About our questions. About our doubts, and about matters of faith—which, as I said, are more than normal, since we all have doubts at some point in our lives.

The conversation unfolded in such a way that we both realized there was something very special between us. A genuine desire to discover more about each other. Many life experiences and ways of thinking that fit together. Everything seemed almost perfect. You know, it felt like a book or even a movie could be written about this encounter. We seemed like two souls who had already crossed paths at some point in the immensity of time.

The conversation had to end, because it was already late that night, and we were approached by a team that ensures that no young people spend the night outdoors or venture into other less “religious” activities, if you know what I mean.

It was a Thursday. The week was almost over. A sense of urgency came over us both. We said goodbye with a hug that was something truly magical. I felt an enormous energy inside me. Something very good that girl awakened in me.

Perhaps it was the part where I saw myself as an interesting man, because my girlfriend at the time wasn't very expressive in showing her desire to be in my company. Maybe she was a little colder, but always affectionate. Here, perhaps the part about this person believing in God, her desire to have three children—which I also wanted for my future, but which was not at all in my partner's plans.

Everything must have had a big influence. The fact that we were in a place where there weren't so many masks, nor so many artifacts to help us communicate. All the doors to our soul were wide open.

It was easy for that girl to shake all my convictions. All the certainties I had about getting married fell away almost instantly... Of course, I saw this, this mere coincidence, this magical moment, as a sign from God to show me that I wasn't so sure after all. To show me that in this world we shouldn't just stay in a certain situation.

At the end of the week, we said goodbye to each other. Tears rolled down our cheeks. What we had experienced was something very beautiful. Very intense.

We said goodbye...

We made promises to ourselves not to lose touch. But we both knew that sooner or later we would not be able to keep them.

This is a personal story with “pathos.” ‘Pathos’ is that moment when we know that something good is going to end or finish... it will fade away. In Japanese, it is known as “mono no aware". “Mono no aware” is not exactly an emotion “per se,” but rather an aesthetic told what to do.

There is a concept called wabi-sabi, which is about appreciating the transformation of life.

When K. returned to Poland and I returned to Portugal, there was a certain poignant beauty in that. In the years that followed, when I reflect on or remember those days in August, I reflect and think not only on the sadness of departure, but also on happiness.

I am moving further and further away from 2005... and now, twenty years later, not being married or having children, I reflect on those moments.

I evoke a feeling of “mono no aware” happiness sprinkled with “pathos”.

I once heard a very wise thought from someone I met. She told me about losing someone she had lived with for 50 years. Of course, she missed her longtime friend. Of course, she felt sad. She told me that she thought about him every day, but that she was happy because she had been able to share the world with him for so long.

Bem Hajam🍀